I can't pretend to know everything about dealing with the loss of a loved one. My loss, my pain just
happened. I can say that I've never experienced anything more painful, more important, and more life
changing. I can say I think about Joshua while I'm driving, when I'm teaching, when the T.V. is on. I
hear Josh's voice when I look at pictures; I try really hard to remember every memory I had with him. I
was looking at old pictures and realized there are so many moments with Josh that I can't remember; I
was too young.
I replay the last time I saw Josh, the last time I hugged him. My boyfriend and I were at mom's for her
graduation. Our flight back home left very early in the morning; Josh wasn't much of a morning person
and his medicines made him even more tired. I went in his room to tell him bye, and I cried. I always
hated leaving my brother, but I never cried. I always cried at the airport when I said bye to my mom but
not really like this with Joshua. I was sitting on the edge of his bed; he was still covered up. I gave him a
big hug and said the next time I see you will probably be for the holidays. I couldn't stop crying; he
hugged me and said he loved me.
We were getting ready to leave when I saw Josh coming out of the bathroom; he was fully dressed and
ready to go and had a big grin on his face, like he knew he just did something really special. I was so
happy. Without knowing, Joshua gave me more time with him by getting up and going to the airport
with mom. The last visual memory I have of my brother is him and mom walking away from me at the
airport. The line was wrapped all the way to the bathrooms. I hugged him as long as I could and then I let
go. I watched mom and Josh walk away, until I could no longer see them.
I cherish this memory. Sometimes I shut my eyes and I replay that memory so vividly that I can feel
Josh's arms around me; I can see him walking away, and, for a brief moment, I feel like my big brother is
with me again.
Although Joshua is no longer walking the earth, I know the only reason my mom and I keep walking is
because we know Josh is in heaven. There is no set formula for dealing with the loss of a loved one. Some
days are better than others; some moments pass by without you even realizing it. I can say God, his love,
and my belief that Joshua is with God in heaven get me through more than anything else could.
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